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How To Become Single Quickly (Satire)

Storm clouds
Storm clouds.

Thank you to my brother-in-law for the satirical inspiration for this post. Then my sister-in-law came up with the title.

Before we go further, let me clarify my brother-in-law does not treat my sister this way, but it's a funny list of what not to say to your wife.

  • Dear, I notice you are resting. When are you planning to vacuum and wash the dishes?

  • Wife: What's on TV tonight? Husband: Dust. (That's an old one, but it had to be included here.)

  • I'll place this clean laundry out of harm's way from our 2-year-old and up on your side of the bed so you can fold it before you sleep.

  • Let me hold the door for you while you struggle into the house with 75 pounds of groceries, babies, and diaper bags.

  • I pulled the broom out for you so whenever you have a second, you can give the floor a quick sweep.

  • Junior likes the way you change his diaper better than how I do it, so I saved his diaper-changing for you.

  • I know you make the bed all the time by yourself, but this time, I would like to do it for you. Will you help me?

  • Trash day is tomorrow morning. Don't forget. Gotta catch that game now. Hey, will you get me a beer while you're up collecting trash?

  • Dear! DEAR! DEAR!! (Dear runs from 5 rooms away, panting, to her seated husband who was yelling into a wall to get her attention.) Is this a pimple on my back?

  • Let me show you the correct way to load the dishwasher.

  • Now aren't you glad I care enough about you to show you the right way to do things?

  • The cat yakked. I put a trash can over it to keep her out of it until you came home from your 12-hour work day. What's for dinner?

  • I realize you have been up since 5:00AM taking care of our home and family since your feet hit the floor. I know you haven't had a fresh, hot cup of coffee yet. Here, I'll pull out your favorite mug for when you can have a cup. What's for lunch?

  • Don't forget to check the tire pressure and oil level before you leave for that long trip.

  • Happy birthday, Honey! I bought a drill press for you.

  • Husband: Happy birthday, Dear! Wife: It was 2 days ago.

And the automatic turning-single line:

  • Husband: Goodnight, Edith. Wife: I'm Agnes! Who's Edith?!


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