Thank you to my brother-in-law for the satirical inspiration for this post. Then my sister-in-law came up with the title.
Before we go further, let me clarify my brother-in-law does not treat my sister this way, but it's a funny list of what not to say to your wife.
Dear, I notice you are resting. When are you planning to vacuum and wash the dishes?
Wife: What's on TV tonight? Husband: Dust. (That's an old one, but it had to be included here.)
I'll place this clean laundry out of harm's way from our 2-year-old and up on your side of the bed so you can fold it before you sleep.
Let me hold the door for you while you struggle into the house with 75 pounds of groceries, babies, and diaper bags.
I pulled the broom out for you so whenever you have a second, you can give the floor a quick sweep.
Junior likes the way you change his diaper better than how I do it, so I saved his diaper-changing for you.
I know you make the bed all the time by yourself, but this time, I would like to do it for you. Will you help me?
Trash day is tomorrow morning. Don't forget. Gotta catch that game now. Hey, will you get me a beer while you're up collecting trash?
Dear! DEAR! DEAR!! (Dear runs from 5 rooms away, panting, to her seated husband who was yelling into a wall to get her attention.) Is this a pimple on my back?
Let me show you the correct way to load the dishwasher.
Now aren't you glad I care enough about you to show you the right way to do things?
The cat yakked. I put a trash can over it to keep her out of it until you came home from your 12-hour work day. What's for dinner?
I realize you have been up since 5:00AM taking care of our home and family since your feet hit the floor. I know you haven't had a fresh, hot cup of coffee yet. Here, I'll pull out your favorite mug for when you can have a cup. What's for lunch?
Don't forget to check the tire pressure and oil level before you leave for that long trip.
Happy birthday, Honey! I bought a drill press for you.
Husband: Happy birthday, Dear! Wife: It was 2 days ago.
And the automatic turning-single line:
Husband: Goodnight, Edith. Wife: I'm Agnes! Who's Edith?!
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